you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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