Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
