somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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