Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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