well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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