I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
