Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
