He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
