Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
