Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Pappa wants mamma naked
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
