1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
