I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
