...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
