You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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