Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
