This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
