I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
