I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
