I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
