FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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