I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I feel like death gave me a hand job
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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