my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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