Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
