I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
