how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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