No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
