hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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