my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
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Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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