Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
