I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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