I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
