I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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