if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
