I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
