i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
