if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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