Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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