I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
