You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
