I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
