Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
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you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.