So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
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Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
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The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.