Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
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We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
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Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level