highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
