i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
