I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
His hands were made for my vagina.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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