My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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