then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
