how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
