Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
