My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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