You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
