In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
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Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.