I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We got so high we made milksteak
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!