U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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