Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
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You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
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My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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