Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
