how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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