One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dear god my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
