so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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