I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We need to get me chipped asap
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
